Yes, I know. You’ve all been holding your breath to find out what RetroLowFi thinks of the new Indiana Jones movie. Because we are your #1 source for information of this kind. I wasn’t even going to write this (cause, really, who gives a shit) but I figured I would just to make a couple of quick points.

Before that, sadly, the film. I walked out after they went over the first waterfall. And got my money back. I had laundry to do. I hear they go over two more waterfalls after that first one. To quote a snarky, spot-on commenter on The A.V. Club’s review, “It takes some serious sass to intentionally recreate an ever more ridiculous version of the scene most people cite as an example of everything that was wrong with [Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom].”

I was prepared for the film to be terrible. But I was completely unprepared for how intensely awkward, strange, and embarrassing the entire endeavor would be. I mean, how out of place everyone looks and feels. The editing. The pacing. The script. Oh, the script! The whole thing is a fascinating look at when a group of famous, wealthy individuals look at each other and go, “We all have precisely four months open in our schedules. We have to do this now. Throw it together.” In that way, I almost recommend seeing it. The whole thing is just so bizzaro, almost like it’s from another planet (no pun intended… cause there’s aliens in this movie… or sort of, I guess. WTF). It really is like aliens, studying Earth from another galaxy, decided to simulate what a new Indiana Jones movie would be like, except their only working knowledge of cinema has come from watching the Star Wars prequels, The Three Stooges, and Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold. And maybe the Flash Gordon movie.

If you liked this movie, I don’t understand you. We weren’t in the same theater. You can tell when an audience is hating a movie. Or at least feeling really, really awkward. It’s palpable, you can feel the room’s mood shift, as a collective. My packed theater was dead silent. They would laugh at a joke, then realize it wasn’t a joke at all and that an actual joke came two beats later, which make things even more awkward. I mean, wow. But, really, anyone who likes this has to be looking way too hard into it. They have to be on a desperate search for nostalgia, like the people who took a few years to accept that Attack of the Clones was truly shit in every possible way a movie can be shit. And, seriously, I’m sorry, but trying to enjoy this movie to satisfy some nostalgia kick is like reminiscing about the good ol’ 1950’s by having an abortion in an alley with a coat hanger. You’re doing it wrong.

So, yes, it’s bad. But it’s pretty fascinating. I mean, I’m sitting there watching the film and I realize that it’s actually doing one thing right, something I’ve complained about for years about every other Indiana Jones movie. Finally, finally, they got around to including CGI prairie dogs as comic relief. And not just once. Like, multiple times. Just one shot of those things watching the truck chase go by in Raiders would have truly made that film great. So, they got one thing right. End sarcasm.

Okay, so that’s the movie. A complete, utter, otherworldly mess. But what does this mean?

First of all, can we stop considering the Indiana Jones movies great cinema now? Sure, Raiders is a lot of fun, and very influential. But it’s not the “greatest adventure film ever” like it’s always talked about being. It’s just a little popcorn movie, guys. Wasn’t even meant to be more than that. Temple of Doom- face it- is horrible. The best part of the whole trilogy might just be Last Crusade. I know most Indiana Jones fans hate that movie (just go browse the Ain’t It Cool News boards if you don’t believe me), but it might be the most entertaining of the bunch. Deal with it. You’re taking the whole thing way too seriously. But, in the end, none of these films are actually worth studying as cinema. They’re iconic, they’re important, but that doesn’t mean they’re especially good. There are other movies out there, stop talking about Raiders of the Lost being shafted for Best Picture. Chariots of Fire is actually a better movie. DEAL DEAL DEAL DEAL DEAL.

And secondly, can we seriously, seriously stop talking about Spielberg in general as a great filmmaker? Yes, he’s important. Yes, he’s the stuff of your childhood. Yes, he changed the language of cinema in a lot of ways. Yes. But not for the better. Unless you’re a complete Hollywood drone (who is anymore?) who really thinks Michael Bay is unfairly put upon (I don’t think you exist any longer, hypothetical person), then chances are you hate most of the things that Spielberg and Lucas (I’ll argue more Spielberg, definitely) have brought upon film and filmmaking. From huge, empty summer movies that it is somehow okay to love simply because they are empty and huge to America’s completely backwards fascination with box office grosses instead of actual tickets sold to every goddamn either childlike innocence perspective movie to child in peril oh no bad things happening movie to just, God, I could make this run on sentence ages long. Almost everything you should hate about cinema in 2008 and the three decades before it stem directly from Steven Spielberg. I mean, seriously, maybe every single thing. We can argue about this in the comments. I hope it’s not every single thing, but I’m starting to think it’s, yeah, pretty much everything. Thank you, Spielberg, for ruining movies (possibly). (Yes.)

Here’s the run down. The guy has made maybe one truly great thing in his entire life. Jaws. And it’s as much of the problem as anything. But Jaws actually succeeds as cinema, despite even itself. It started the problem, but it’s still pretty fantastic. That is hard to deny, you won’t get much argument from me. But everything else you call so great? Is not. Close Encounters is probably closest to being good, but it stops short of its potential. You people like E.T.? It’s actually a really rotten movie. You just have good memories of it as a child (and that’s okay). It was new at the time, it was a big deal. That does not mean it was good. Schindler’s List is a pappy, backwards, and dangerous piece of shit that everyone likes because of Itzhak Perlman, Janusz Kaminski, and because they’re somehow supposed to. Saving Private Ryan did nothing new except be violent for 20 minutes, be boring for 130 minutes, then be violent again for 20 minutes (plus a magical Willow morph at the end and Ted Danson somewhere in the boring part). I can go on.

So can we please stop worshiping Spielberg? He is a community college Film 101 class. Something you take, you learn what you may not have known previously, then you never take again. Ever. Cause it’s about as close to common sense as filmmaking can get. Movies shouldn’t strive to be “as great as E.T.” or as “exciting as Raiders of the Lost Ark.” If your movie is not as good as either of those, then you really do have a bad movie on your hands. Cause Spielberg is some serious lowest common denominator shit, folks. Always has been. The sooner we can all accept that, the sooner we can all start watching good movies again. Or, you know, for the first time, maybe.