We didn’t get Jimmy G. Pop’s album in the mail, but we got his press release. Turns out this guy writes and performs children’s music, which is something that always gives us at RetroLowFi the jibblies. Remember how we felt about the Rockabye Baby! series? Either the music is terrifying, or the performers are the creepiest people ever and remind us of child molestors.

Now, I can say this because, with Jimmy G. Pop paying a PR company to distribute a press release about him and his album Kids Totally Rock!, he officially qualifies as a public figure: It is my opinion that Jimmy G. Pop should not be allowed anywhere near children.

Oh, I’ll get to the music. But first, more about Mr. Pop. The guy, who lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, publicizes all over his personal website that he wants to promote positive messages to children. The 50-year-old’s bio isn’t very extensive, which, naturally, leads to suspicion. He talks about forming a band in his teenage years (in the ’70s), then JUMPS to today, where he parades that he has five children and a few grandkids, was a Boy Scout leader, blah, blah, blah. Then he just kind of throws in this lovely nugget: “Hopefully you’ll laugh, “wiggle, giggle and shake some jiggle” as you experience my songs.”

Um, ew. No one should be telling children to “jiggle.” Especially not a middle-aged man. So by this point I get the idea that Mr. Pop is sort of like your creepy uncle, but anyway.

The guy is also an unscrupulous band spammer on Myspace. Evidently, he goes through his kids’s profiles (who are all either teenagers or younger), invites them to listen to his songs, and then hooks them with saying that he’s a fan of Miley Cyrus and Ashley Tisdale. What young child isn’t going to fall for that? Again, gross, but effective in its purpose, I suppose.

Once he gets them to his page, the kids can peruse his songs (and the reviews of his record that appear to be written by the man himself). Not all of the songs are this offensive; a lot of them are just dumb. But there are definitely enough to raise serious concern about this man and his intentions. Here’s where that becomes troublesome:

The sort-of hit is called “I’m Totally Chihuahua,” which I think is supposed to influence listeners to be proud of their ethnic heritage. While that message is ultimately deserving of applause, his methods? Not so much. The man dons an incredibly stereotypical Mexican accent and sings the following baffling lyrics:

“I’m totally Chihuahua/born of the best gene pool,” followed by “When it comes to doggies/we’re the superior breed.”

After he’s done discussing racial superiority, he goes on to ethnic purity:

“In your heritage have pride/Protect your pedigree/Don’t let doggies lift their legs/And wee on your family tree.”

Not kidding about this, folks.

“Billy Goat Gorge” is another questionable one. Again, the song sounds like it should have a positive message, that eating your vegetables is a healthful idea. However, it moreso seems to be about pot:

“We were born in Bill Goat Gorge/We ate what grew there/weeds full of seeds/there were weeds everywhere”

After that, the song describes how the goats wanted to experiment more, so they started eating all kinds of junk food before getting sick. The song doesn’t advocate eating cucumbers, peppers, lettuce, or other greens; just weeds. So it’s about eating pot and getting the munchies. Again, awkward.

It’s at this point that I continue to try to think the best of Mr. Jimmy G. Pop. Maybe he has the best intentions but doesn’t realize the connotations of what he’s doing. Or maybe he does, and he’s trying his best to deal with his issues in a healthy way and just comes across as misguided. But then comes “Funky Monkey,” and I throw that theory out the window.

This is definitely the most disgusting, most repulsive song on his player. While it tries to encourage kids to have a good time, to dance, and to generally enjoy life, he has officially opened the door to ogling children. What kind of adult writes these lyrics for an audience of children?:

“shake some jiggle . . . hip hop shake and bake/the junky in your trunky.”

I find this so repulsive because, when these lyrics are sung to adults, they’re sung to young women in string bikinis dancing and trying to get laid. They are specifically about having an attractive ass. Who cares. But why are these lyrics being sung to children?! I actually bawled at the visual brought about here, furious not only that someone would objectify kids like this, but that they could do it when they have their own young children. No longer just the creepy uncle who can’t find his pants.

I’m getting really upset about all of this just writing this review, so I think I need to stop writing now and go watch some cartoons, maybe the Weird Al show, where someone got it right.

If you really want to check this guy out, be my guest. You’ve obviously been warned.