A few weeks ago, I wrote about new game show sensation Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? I was slightly less than kind in my review. That didn’t stop us from getting our share of comments asking, with no attempt to hide their desperation, “How can I get on that show?!?!?!!! Where do I audition!!?!!?!” But, really, in the show’s sort of backwards defense, at least it requires something of its contestant. Sure, there’s next to no way you can actually win no matter how smart you are, but at least they ask you, you know, questions. Most new game shows don’t even do that.

And then comes The Great American Dream Vote. Now, I’m not a religious man, but in all sincerity, I’m beginning to worry about some sort of pending apocalypse. Surely our society is on the verge of a breaking point. I can’t take much more of it, and I don’t think our culture can either.

In absolute “mostest simplest” terms, The Great American Dream Vote goes something like this:

1. Donnie Osmond walks on stage and starts talking. 2. Two contestants, each with similar but, in the words of the show, “competing” dreams walk out and tell us why they should have their dream come true. This, so far, has been most anything from a woman who wants her young daughter to be Miss America to a guy who wants to open a chicken-based theme park (read it again, that’s correct). 3. Each contestant shows a video they made about themselves and has 15 seconds to convince us their dream is better than the other guy’s. 4. The studio audience votes on whose dream they like better. 5. The winner is announced, both contestants leave the stage, and two more “dreamers” are introduced. 6. Repeat steps 1-5 until you’ve got 4 people on stage at the end of the show. 7. The studio audience votes again until there are two people on stage. 8. Donnie invites America to call and vote for their favorite “dreamer.” End of show.

Then, on the next episode:

1. Donnie Osmond walks on stage and starts talking. 2. The two contestants from the finals last night (or week, depending) come out and the results are announced. “Sorry, lady who wants to open a sanctuary for old basset hounds, the winner is the bald 22-year-old who wants a full head of hair!” 3. The bald guy is then lavished with prizes. And when I say prizes, I mean an entire fucking week’s worth of The Price is Right. This stage is crammed from corner to corner with crazy, expensive shit. I can’t even begin to describe it, just watch the video linked below if you think I’m making this up. 4. Donnie Osmond repeatedly yells, “Yeah!!!” and “WOO!!!”

Oh, sure, the bald guy gets $25,000 worth of hair transplants (the introduction of the doctor who’s doing the procedure is too hilarious to describe in words. But- and this is key- simply because the guy wanted to have a full head of hair, he gets about $350,000 worth of nice things.

So here we are. We have what is, essentially, a game show that literally requires nothing of the contestant. No, seriously. Deal or No Deal at least asks them to make decisions. The Great American Dream Vote picks random people from a stack of videotapes and gives them things. Why? Because they wanted something. As far as I’ve been able to tell, none of these people have done all that much to try and fulfill their dream on their own. Hey, Mr. Chicken Theme Park, do you have a business plan I can look at? This is a fucking freak show.

But, you know, maybe that is the guy’s dream. That’s fine. But why are we, as complete strangers, judging him for that? Or, even worse, giving priority and favor to the dreams of someone else? What makes the guy who wants to open a flower stand for his wife and the guy who wants somebody famous to sing one of his songs to his loved one different? The idea that anyone’s aspirations, assuming they’re sincere, are better or or worse than someone else’s infers things about our society that I don’t even want to get into right now.

Here’s my suggestion. Change the name of the show. Call it Buttload of Stuff. Take the “dream” aspect out of it. Pick two people, at random, off the street. Put them on stage. The contestants don’t do anything, just have Donny Osmond introduce them and say, “All right, America… now you decide which one of these two random people will get a buttload of stuff!” Don’t even tell us their names, just let us choose A or B. Let America vote, then give the winner a buttload of crazy, expensive shit. The only difference between Buttload of Stuff and The Great American Dream Vote would be that we don’t ask the world to give preference to one person’s dream or another.

In short: The Great American Dream Vote is the most disgusting, vile, degrading, awful television show I have ever seen in my entire life, ever. No exaggeration. It makes me sad to live in America, for fucking real, people. If you’re not downright offended by the entire idea of it, seek professional help for you are either cripplingly shallow or you are a zombie. Either way, it’s going to take someone with training to help you.

Watch both of the premiere episodes at ABC.com (choose the old player, it looks fine and you don’t have to download anything)
Maybe these people aren’t so random after all…