All right, one more dip into the year in film, then I’m hibernating until January.

Worst Cinematic Adaptation of a Novel (Famous or Otherwise)
The Da Vinci Code

If you read The Da Vinci Code (and could find the fun bathroom thriller hidden beneath the awful writing), “Boy, this would make a really shitty movie” probably never crossed your mind. The story, its twists and turns, and the pretty great pacing seemed perfectly suited for a transition into big budget Hollywood. Well, as it turns out, The Da Vinci Code is one of the most unfilmable novels ever written. Who knew? You’d need the thing to be mini-series length to make it work in the slightest, but, at that length, you could just read the book. The absolutely bottom-of-the-barrel direction, literally nonstop overbearing musical score, ridiculous editing, and probably the laziest casting ever didn’t help the film much (”We need a French guy to play a cop. Jean Reno!”), but, in all fairness, it was a losing battle to begin with.

Worst Cinematic Trend of 2006
Computer Animated Family Films

The Ant Bully, Barnyard, Cars, Doogal, Flushed Away, Happy Feet, Ice Age: The Meltdown, Monster House, Open Season, Over the Hedge, and The Wild. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE.

Most Elaborate Death
Final Destination 3

Saw III might have had its silly set pieces, but Final Destination 3 wins this one for the hilariously complicated build-ups to character deaths. It takes multiple paragraphs within a dedicated Wikipedia article to even explain one of them. I’d like to see a Final Destination 4 that consists of just one, massive death sequence. Nothing else, no plot, just 90 minutes of Rube Goldberg-like silliness, a 5 second death, roll credits.

Here’s a YouTube clip of all of the deaths from the movie, albeit with most of each setup cut out. It’s about ten minutes long.

Most Criminally Overlooked
The Fountain

According to the box office figures, more people saw a new Woody Allen movie in the theater than bothered to check out the best film of the year. And both starred Hugh Jackman, so make sense of that, if you can. There were tiny little shit movies that even I haven’t heard of that more people saw. Gross. Clint Eastwood has two Best Director Oscars, and you lazy fuckers can’t even leave the house to watch a true cinematic masterpiece (one of the few of this decade)? Sad, people. Sad.

Best Film with a Completely Transparent Plot
The Prestige

It’s hard not to see every plot twist about ten miles away, despite its insistence that you’ll never figure it out. But, despite itself, and thanks in no small part to David Bowie (one of the best actors ever? Discuss.), it’s still a pretty good film. Chris Nolan has proved he knows how to direct a few times, at this point. Now he just needs a really good script.

Most Mediocre Movie
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

You could separate every movie from 2006 into two categories with relative ease: those that were better than Talladega Nights and those that were worse. Literally splitting the middle, Talladega Nights had enough moments to make it watchable, but enough missteps to make you want to give up. By the end, it all evens out somehow and pretty much all that’s left to say is, “Well… that was okay.”

Best Line of 2006
Scary Movie 4

The best line of dialog from any movie in 2006 came, strangely enough, from Scary Movie 4. It comes courtesy Michael Madsen, parodying Tim Robbins role in War of the Worlds, and it’s 45 seconds into this clip. Enjoy.

Guiltiest Pleasure
Jackass Number Two

You can think whatever you want to think about me. You can put me, mentally or otherwise, into any class of people you see fit. You can disregard every opinion I have if you like. I don’t care. No matter how much I loved Borat, no movie all year made me laugh more than Jackass Number Two. For those who are sitting there comfortably at home, judging me at this point for my, scoff, obviously sophomoric sense of humor, know that I’m sitting here, typing, thinking about how stuck up you are. I understand Jackass isn’t everyone’s thing (I only got my first glimpse of it a few months ago!), and you can use it to illustrate the downfall of intelligence, art, and Western Civilization as we know it with relative ease… but none of that makes the film less wonderful. And I saw it in the theater, sober. Great job, guys. You were exactly what I needed in 2006.

Happy Holidays, everyone. Be safe.