I can’t help but be surprised that Audioslave still exists. When I first heard that the guys from Rage Against The Machine were going to jam with Chris Cornell, I thought, wow, that could be really awesome. I enjoyed Cornell’s voice and songs and Rage’s Battle of Los Angeles was, I thought, an underrated masterpiece (I could take or leave most of the rest of The Machine’s work). Put those four guys together and you could really have something interesting.

I mean, you gotta understand, despite missing most of the grunge movement (I was a prog teen, what can I say?), I was heavy into the modern rock thing from about 1996 up through ‘99. I don’t exactly jam out to Collective Soul anymore (hahaha, man), but I can put on Our Lady Peace’s Happiness every now and then for old times sake and enjoy it. Dorky? Sure. But that was my high school soundtrack, and I’m not gonna pretend like I’m too good for a little Toadies now that I’m a dad.

So when Audioslave actually materialized and the album came out, I may have been over modern rock, but I was still excited to see what the results of this crazy experiment would sound like. Turns out, Audioslave was one of those ideas that looks great on paper, but really shouldn’t have ever gone any further. They were okay, I guess, but it really just sounded like Chris Cornell singing over Rage songs, or Rage covering Cornell songs. That’s why I’m still surprised they’re together. I never thought they’d find an audience.

But they did, somehow. And on Revelations, Audioslave is definitely sounding like a band. They’ve had a few years to figure out their sound and get into the groove, as it were. Has it had a positive effect on the music? Well, honestly, no. It’s still boring.

Revelations makes me think that Audioslave could actually make a good record. But knowing how talented these guys are individually, it’s disappointing to hear them take next to zero musical or sonic chances. Tom Morello used to be king of crazy, heavy, pit-ready riffs that would get tens of thousands of people jumping in unison and punching each other in the face. It doesn’t even sound like he’s trying here. A million high school bands have written these riffs and then thrown them away, okay?

None of Revelations makes any sort of lasting impression. Oh, cool. A guitar solo after the second chorus where Morello scratches his strings with something. I didn’t see that coming. Some songs are a little better than others (”Shape Of Things To Come” is probably the highlight, as it comes closest to being, ehh, pretty good), but it all seems to exist in some strange steel box of mediocrity that good ideas cannot physically penetrate.

It’s easier to pick out the worst song, which is, without a doubt, “Original Fire,” the first single. I mean, holy God, that song is terrible. If you had told me in 1996 that the guys who made Down on the Upside and Evil Empire were going to get together in ten years and write that song, I would have laughed at you until my eyes had no more tears to shed. Its sheer rottenness is nearly indescribable in words.

I can tell you that the rest of Revelations is not as bad as “Original Fire.” The album does get kinda better as it goes along, ending with “Moth,” which is a descent stab at not sucking and comes a little closer to what I imagined Audioslave sounding like in the first place. And the album feels shorter than its 48 minute running time, which is nice.

But, simply put, if you like Audioslave already, you’ll probably love this record. If you enjoyed your share of modern rock in the 90’s, this record may be worth a spin, but probably won’t do a whole lot for you. If you don’t like Audioslave, Revelations isn’t going to change your mind at all. That’s pretty much all there is to say about it.

Revelations gives me an extremely slight glimmer of hope that Audioslave may actually turn out a good record someday, but unless they, you know, actually put some work into the music, it’s never gonna happen.

Visit Audioslave’s official website and stream “Original Fire,” if you must